September 30, 2006

A Pack of Scoundrels - Part 1

My previous post had most of my friends in tears (They got senti with the flush tank analogy). After they were done with their boohoo, they started asking me for more. Hence in celebration of my association with these people, starting from this post, I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude to all those who managed to influence my life and shaped me into such a kind and compassionate human being.

Vijay Kongara: Also known as the "ladies man" sometimes by people other than himself. Rushdie's protege since childhood. Known for making simple things seem complicated. Initially, I used to feel scared to converse with him. I used to think he was speaking in some remote European language. But then I started recording his sentences mentally and later replay them in slow motion to figure out what he is saying, a trick which everybody who watched the DPS MMS clip are familiar with. But waiters in irani cafes across Hyderabad could never pick up that trick. One of the chaps who never forgets to give me a treat on his birthday. He is now working in a tea centre in Chennai. And he writes code during his spare time for an MNC.

Jasmine Shah (Male): Dexterous with the badminton racquet and the toothpick. What Schumacher did it with his super cool Ferrari-RTZ-234-435-120, Jas did the same with his Bajaj Priya- nineteen hundred and seventy two model registered in the ancient town of Silvassa, Dadra and Nagar Haveli, India.(To spot this on the Map, just make sure you look carefully under a microscope. Jo sacchhe dil se dhoondte hain, unhe kuch bhi miltaa hai) When I was told that a certain "Jasmine Shah" is going to be my roommate in college, I was expecting a cute little thing wearing braces and hair clips with the nails polished and the feet pedicured.But instead, I saw some big brawny freakazoid wearing a friggin smile and munching potato wafers in my room. Apparently, the two guys in my room had occupied the window side cots leaving the one in the middle for me. *&^%$#@ . My dad had later told me that this one seemed like a nice guy. Poor dad of mine. He's become old and he has lost his sense of what is good and what is bad. People tell me that he is a good sportsman. I think Schumacher is better. Winnie the Pooh remains his favourite character till date. Abhi iska cigarette ka dhanda hai. And I think theek thaak kamaa leta hai.

Revanth Reddy: I owe my crappy writing to him. I remember, he had asked me to cowrite a play along with him back in school- called "An Interview". The play was later termed as a big disgrace to theatre. It was an assortment of roadside jokes and dirty one liners plagiarized from films. But ever since then, I continued making artificial attempts at writing but with no luck whatsoever. If not for him, I would have been doing something more meaningful in my spare time - stamp collection, empty cigarette box collection , salsa etc., He was very particular about his table manners. He made sure he never kept his elbows on the table while eating. But I'm not very sure where he kept them though. He carries himself off with great elegance and has this sense of cool all over him. Like for example he doesnt care a damn if some nincompoop from back school starts writing mean things about him and posts it on his blog. Now he is in the US happliy munching his Lasagne without scratching his plate.

Rahul Reddy: An analytical thinker. From Rakhee Sawant's costume selection to Upen Patel's Hindi accent, he can give you tailor-made analytical answers for everything. He once started explaining me how it all runs in his family, how his grand father and great grand father were studs and hence the fact that he is a stud shouldn’t be taken as a big piece of amusing information but as a natural extension of inheritance. And a la Stanley Kubrick - he too has radical ideas. He feels pornographic films lack good production quality. If made properly-with a good background score, subtle art direction and an innovative screenplay and then marketed using appropriate channels, he thinks he can capture a big market. I have been begging him for a role but he seems to be having someone else in mind. He tried playing football for sometime but somehow he could never make it big there. He is now sitting on top of my head.

Sheetal Chawla: She thinks she is good-looking. And I being a very accommodating friend and a well wisher, let her think as she wishes. After all, everybody is entitled to an opinion. So what if she has this big scar on her forehead, a fat mole on her cheek, an eternally running nose and a freaky smile, dil ki to acchhi hai.One of the many girls I know (all two of them) who is not THAT stupid. She can dance, she can sing, she can play. But so can I. And unlike other girls I know(You know, all two of them), she can cook food. But so can I. The first time I met her, she told me she owns eighteen pairs of sandals. What was I expected to make of that? Anyway, she also thinks John Abraham is the second most sexiest guy on this planet. And before you guys start asking me her phone number, let me tell you that she is committed to this other guy who I understand has written a slightly better testimonial for her. She is now pursuing a course in management.

As you can see, this by no means can be a complete list of people who shaped me into a kind and compassionate human being. I tried to select a decent mix (school, college, work, gultie, non gultie). Those of you, who don’t find their names in the list above, please do not worry. I have similar feelings for you. This is an ongoing process. As and when I get time (which I do seem to have a lot), I'll keep posting more such crap. Now you guys go and take care, while I go and pump some iron. Peace, love and empathy.

September 18, 2006


Some may say that life without friends is like a tree without blossom and fruit, a shower without a soap, a jeans without a back pocket, a trouser without a zipper, hindware without a flush tank - whatever. Basically life without friends sucks. Just like Monica Lewinsky. But thats a different matter altogether. Now where were we? Monica Lewinsky? No, friends.. Yes right, friends.And so a young companionless man called Orkut Bayonkotten ( with a double dot over the second o - You know I'm a man of synctactical(sintactical? syntaktical? cinktatatikal ?) excellence..) mused, deliberated, pondered, huffed, puffed with his computer and came out with this website that took the world and especially software firms and engineering colleges across India by a blizzard . Orkut - the latest breakthrough of the world wide web - a gift to mankind - and the womankind. Nowhere are the successes of "Let me show you how many friends I have" movement been more evident than on Orkut. From the Rahul Reddy's to the Gautam Singhania's to the Jitin Nagpal's, people are braving new worlds, breaking new ground and forging new relationships. People who were walking the streets of the nation, lonely and secluded, aloof and desperate, now have something to look forward to when they are not picking their noses or talking to their girl friends over the phone.

Ever since its inception, Orkut has managed to attract all kinds of people. And of course it has also attracted all immoral and disgusting bloggers or some immoral and disgusting bloggers or atleast one immoral and phew, disgusting blogger.The author had a chance to browse through quite a few profiles on the website in the recent past. On a first take, the snaps on the pages seem to have been chosen with utmost care and meticulous pondering "yeh nahin, isme main moti lag rahee hoon. yeh bhi nahin, isme meri naak thedi lag rahee hai. isme I'm looking too short, hmmmm yeh theek hai." And some who are completely convinced that any kind of personal snap if posted on the net will trigger angry reactions and violent demonstrations from the aesthetically inclined groups, end up posting some funny jpegs and pictures of film stars. And apparently everbody on this planet seem to think of themselves as sophisticated rebels.To cite an example of my complex and extensive internal investigation, one guys self appraisal ( what he thinks of himself ) reads thus - "Glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity". !!!!! What the F*&k was that? I'm sure this manic depressive is a plain, uninteresting, mousy, unattractive sleazeball who plagiarized these lines from some remote lyrics of the 60's in an attempt to attract some attention without really understanding what they mean. Glittering prizes? Endless compromises? Integrity? Bastard.

Jokes apart, the concept of friendship now seems to be geared towards a completely mechanical routine with the invention of more such "coool" websites.It is becoming tangible and quantifyable. Which in my view is sheer blasphemy. The transcendental connection between the physical and the metaphysical (as spoken by Kant in his theory of categorical imperative :-) and the horizon which is supposed to expand as we keep approaching it, seem to have been left far far behind. Now I seem to be sounding too preachy. But basically, I'm not against you catching up with your old school mates and chaddi friends who used to stay in your neighborhood on Orkut. But lets not stretch it beyond that. I honestly feel communicating by Orkut with your colleague who sits next to you isnt a very cool idea. It sucks. Just like ummm, whatever. Now hang on. I know some of you are devout Orkut fans who cannot digest a meal without peeping into the lives of all your friends and their friends and their friends' friends and the pictures of all folks dressed in tight overalls or who you think should be dressed in tight overalls or..(ok, this is going nowhere and creating embarrasingly low standards). Please dont get worked up. And dont send me hate mail. Now you guys have a good time while I go and read the interesting scraps exchanged between THAT unattractive sleazeball and his friends. Peace, love and empathy.

PS: I was tagged by Sudipta quite some time back. I'm supposed to pen five of my weird traits and post it here so that others can laugh at my misery. Next time maybe.If thats what makes you happy.