April 11, 2010


Disclaimer: All characters in this story are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to a person LIVING or dead is purely coincidental. The material has been inspired by several works of fiction.

In the beginning, much before the existence of the cross currency basis swap, after He created heaven and earth, the seas, the fire and the mountains, God created the chicken, the cow and the pig (also known as The Barbeque Trinity. Humans would much later create the holy trinity consisting of Snoop Dogg, Eminem and 50 cent to exert their supremacy on the world in what is known as one of the greatest con jobs of all time) . And then God created man in his own image and named him “Julian Ulmer” and placed him in the garden of Eden. And the lord God said to the man, “Of every tree of the garden, thou mayest freely eat. But the tree of knowledge and wisdom thou shalt not touch. Yadda yadda yadda“

Anyway, Julian enjoyed himself for a while running naked in the garden. He was enthralled by his Master who created the trees , the flowers, the sparkle of dew on bushes, the rainbow , marijuana and plenty other things ALL IN 6 DAYS.( To understand and appreciate the enormity of this feat, one should note that mankind came up with the basic latex condom only in 1920, a full 2000 years after queen Cleaoptra was railed by more than 60000 men during her lifetime )
But one day Julian became lonely and desperate. “God” he said “I feel wretched. I need a companion” .

“A companion ? Big fucking deal “ said God “You got it”

And so God created a companion for him. “Do you know who this is ?” asked God.

“let me guess” said Julian. “You made another beast? A cougarrrr !!! ”

“No fuckface” said God. “This is the worlds first woman. I’ll call her Hitomi Yasuoka. Sounds japanese but who the fuck cares at this point in time. Now I am going to leave you two alone and I want you to do what comes naturally”

The following morning God said to julian. “Yo, so what happened last night ?”

“Well, what do you expect when a naked man and a naked chick are left by themselves”

“You mean…?"

“Yup, we climbed on top of a tree and counted stars. We plucked the finest fruit and drank from the stream”

“And ?”

"And we lay on the grass and watched the sun rise. Together”

“Dude man…well, let me give you a hint. Man needs love and devotion. He needs something to exert himself every waking hour. Something to worth living for. You cannot just dick around climbing trees and plucking fruit. Give me a break, BE A MAN”

So Julian went back to Hitomi and began the first of a series of human experiments. What is it that could lead to gratification and ecstasy. What is it that could be done every waking hour? He began by staring at her in the eyes for a considerable period of time. Although it didn’t lead to any gratification as such, this gesture went on to become the inspiration for “Looking in the eyes of love” , a B rated adult flick made years later,where a teacher takes a student as her illegal underaged lover after they – you guessed it right – stare at each other in the eyes for a considerable period of time.

They went back and tried several other things but nothing seemed to generate the ultimate spiritual experience. Chopping wood together , swinging off a banyan tree, chasing rabbits didn’t seem to help the cause. Until one fine day the lad was sitting under a banana tree when a fruit fell on his head and onto the wet slushy ground below. And suddenly it all became clear to him. There shone on his face the serenity of knowledge, of one who has found salvation and one who is in complete harmony with the events surrounding him.

He went back and practice the newly discovered act at every opportunity. And thus began “The Great Julian Onslaught’ which is discussed in several private circles and freemason lodges even to this date. On top of volcanoes, by the side of the river, in the meadow, behind the bushes, in the valley day in and day out until it became tedious as chippies.

Meanwhile, a serpent came in and said unto the woman. “why havnteth thou eaten the fruit of the tree in the midst of the garden ? Yadda yadda yadda” The woman could take the archaic english no more and yielded in to the serpents repeated pestering. She took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her boy friend with her; and he did eat.

This ofcourse enraged the lord God and he went red with anger. He summoned both of them and said unto them “ I’m mighty pissed with your behaviour. And because I’m lord God, I shall have to inflict punishment upon you. “

And thus the lord created suffering, men with brown skin, cholera, William Shakespeare and Pussycat dolls.


Blogger Praveen Singhania said...

Lord fuck, thou art great!

8:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Inspired by Dibakar Banerjee ?

2:05 AM  
Anonymous Sajid said...

No not really, but I AM a big big fan of DB.

2:09 AM  

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