October 16, 2006

Its my turn ...

He may look like your typical next door uncle (Remember the guy who refused to return your rubber ball after you smashed his window by hitting a six) but he is not. He can rout out villains and conquer the forces of evil and more importantly - gravity. He doesn’t care a damn if g (gravitational constant) is 9.8 or 8.9. It simply doesn’t apply to him. His super natural skills come to him very naturally. Dogs give birth to puppies when the guy stares at them (I don’t know how he does it but his eyes emanate some kind of weird electromagnetic rays. But please don’t try this at home). He never goes anywhere without his mace, brass knuckles, iron rod, hockey stick, cycle chain, spade, sickles and assorted ancient weapons. These are part of standard community distributions along with free condoms in his locality. They say that some girls fall on the road side and propose to him on sight. They feel he has a bitchy bod and a sexy walk. His Herculean power came into light when he once scratched his back for fourteen hours at a stretch. Men and women - they want him. And they want him badly. You may know him as the naughty thunderbolt (Translate that into telugu). And the man goes by the name 'Nandamuri Balakrishna'. Yes, none other than Balakrishna or fondly (?) called by some as Balayya. In the next few lines, I shall be offering some constructive criticism on this fella. I don’t believe in targeting someone blatantly without offering sufficient reasoning. Non gulties might not be able to fully appreciate what I'm saying here 'cause you guys haven’t actually seen him-and heard him. If you want me to describe him in one line then heres something - If Rakhee Sawant undergoes a sex transformation surgery, you'll get something very close to Balakrishna. (By the way, what do you call a male bitch?)

Let’s start with his dialogue delivery- An untrained ear might find it extremely difficult to appreciate the subtle differences between his comedy scenes and say, his tragic scenes - unless there is some form of musical accompaniment. And one dialogue that never ceases to amaze the gem of his writers - "Hey, I'm a man. At least that’s how I feel. I have the strongest thigh muscles in the whole of AP. Is everybody getting the point here?" And every once in a while some guy keeps reminding him that as a man, he has certain duties to fulfill- one of them being punching his own thigh with one tight slap. It amazes me -This whole "hitting the thigh" business. Anyway, the dance sequences characterized by his hip swinging moves, orgasmic expressions, and mouth wide open agonizing over the prospects of having to make love are at max intriguing. It looks as if someone is trying to poke him with tiny needles. And the lyrics that accompany them. Sample this. - "You are my maggi noodles and I'm your Sambhar rasam. You think I'm hungry and I think you are thirsty. Chorus: We are made for each other. “(Smooth?). Coming to think of his action sequences, the guy will put the Wachowski brothers to shame with his bullet dodging techniques. He can make the car go into a spin while maintaining a linear speed of 100 mph. He can make your teeth fall off by hitting you on the crotch.(Again, kids shouldn’t be trying this at home) You just have to see him to believe him.

Whatz this stocky, pudgy, somnolent, geriatric dipwad still doing in films, you ask. I-don’t-the-know. I just don’t the know. C’mon, there are a million other professions he could have chosen. He could have been a hair dresser, a shoe maker and with a little bit of effort, a financial analyst. (Balki in and as 'Warren Reddy' - “Doubling up every day"). Had I been equipped with similar skills , I would have become a proctologist. Where do these clinically depressed morons get the urge to drag themselves to the theater to watch something so idiotic? And adding fuel to fire, some of the pretty lasses who are made to grind seductively against this idiot claim in TV interviews that he is one of the most wonderful guys they have ever worked with. I can’t even think of trying to imagine what the others are like. Perhaps its not so much a question of urge than it is a matter of taste. And If it’s actually taste, then I think we need an armed revolution in gult land. If I were the government I would use all the nuclear power at my disposal to prevent people from watching his films. They can instead write some java code in that time.

I actually wanted to do a contrasting study of Nietzsche’s theory of Eternal Recurrence and Kant's theory of categorical imperative in this post. But then my friend Ravi suggested that 'Balakrishna' would be a better topic to write about. We'll discuss Nietzsche next time around. Until then, peace, love and empathy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

> By the way, what do you call a male bitch?

The word "balayya" should be promoted for, if there isn't any, :)


5:21 AM  
Blogger Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Dude, although I haven't seen this guy act ever (and god forbid that now), I am sure you are going to be his favourite critic!!

Bloo-ha-ha-ha!! I just tried to do a global search and replace with any loser of an actor I know and your post rocks!

BTW, the next time, something that is less of a Gulti insider joke will be easier to understand :)

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Shuchi Choubey said...

:) .. tell you what.. having spent 8 odd months in hyderabad.. am sure if a true blue Andhraite reads your post .. miyaan ... tumhara alla hafiz!!

11:06 PM  

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