Matrimonial

Its raining celebrations everywhere. Human race has never been more excited about conjugal bliss than it is today. Love is in the air and its players are delighted more than ever to "cordially request the pleasure of our company to grace the super auspicious occasion as they take a step forward into the new journey that is filled with amazing moments, immense fun, tremendous happiness and other such amplitude modifiers + mushy adjectives". And best compliments continue to pour from Shantaben and sons, USA and Kishan Patel (BA First Class ) and daughters.

At a time like this , I cannot be left behind to continue living my life without any meaning, balance and direction whatever they mean. I realized that penning a matrimonial could be the answer to my misery. So ladies and gentlemen , without any further ado, I'll let my ego take-over.

Before getting started, let me throw some light on an essential pre-filter. Skin colour. No matter what South Indian film writers say, skin color does form a key parameter in decision making process and we all know it. MJ knew it. Pure blooded north Indians know it better. Maslow himself has admitted that people with darker skin have no place in his hierarchy of needs and that they eventually go on to become thieves. Let me assure you that all is fine on this aspect. Puritans may see a microscopic cross sectional view above. I can work on the shade if need arises so please dont just dismiss if you are not happy with what is presented.

Moving on to the more important traits, the first thing that comes to my mind are the frequent convulsions that engulf me . Long bouts of shaking chills along with shortness of breath is a common condition. This is nothing but Fear of God. God terrifies me and occasionally I can be seen hiding under my desk to escape His wrath. The story dates back to one of my earlier incarnations where I casually walked in whistling a tune when He was deep in meditation. He opened half his left eye as Gods in those days usually did and said unto me – “abe o, baahar jaake khel. zyaada aawaz ki to tang tod doonga ”. The rest is history.

When It comes to sound moral values , the standards are exceptionally high. I took up trekking as a hobby mainly to serve this purpose. I keep going into mountains especially when there is an exceptionally bright light shining and I often come back with stone tablets carved with up to date commandments dictated by – you guessed it right – God. I have a massive collection of tablets in my warehouse and my favourite is ofcourse the famous – “thou shalt not mix no matter who is paying.”

My sensitive nature has no bounds. I can be seen carressing little birds, healing them and setting them free in the sky. I help old women and little children cross busy streets by holding their hands. When riots take place, I politely ask people to leave their houses before setting the place on fire. I’m pure transcendental love.

Despite all these qualities, I’m basically a simple and down to earth human being . My feet are firmly grounded and when my folks chain me to a pole , they are only enhancing the validity of my point. A simple man, I don’t try to complicate life by contemplating about such things as wine tasting, freemasonry, existentialism and The Realms of Being, oh no Sir. I’d rather go for tilling the soil, growing rice and corn, feeding my family and selling the left over produce to buy wheat and sugar. And eventually marry my children off in a nice , God fearing, respectable family.

That’s pretty much what I have to say of myself. There are quite a few little things which i havnt touched upon here 'cause I think they'd rather be seen and felt than described. (Like for example my lungi and T-shirt attire demonstrates my traditional yet modern nature and the flask of whiskey tucked into my lungi talks highly of my liberal mindset ). So if you are a girl and loosely resemble Katrina Kaif (in form not in spirit), then please send me mail. Also state which part of Katrina you bear resemblance to.