The bird flew - A true story.

Dedication: This post is dedicated to the millions of chickens that were culled over the last few days. Had this not happened they could have lived to see the special screening of ‘Rang De Basanti’ that is being organized exclusively for Maneka Gandhi and her animal friends. May their eternal soul rest in pieces.

HIV is out – avian flu is in. The ‘country’ is going to dogs. Earlier, they were asking us to avoid contact with women. Now, they are asking us to avoid contact with chickens!! Which means all those strange pictures in public toilets and city buses will soon feature broiler chickens instead of sultry women. A thought which makes us all shudder.

While experts have been desperately trying to ascertain the source of the outbreak, some believe ‘serial kisser’ turned actor, Emraan ‘I-am-the-man’ Hashmi to be a likely cause of the epidemic. Mr. Rajat Trivedi, joint director, department of animal husbandry said that there is no reason not to believe that Emraan didn’t do it. “He has a history with the chicks” Mr. Trivedi said. When questioned about the allegations, Emraan dismissed them as plain rumor, innuendo and gossip. He asserted that he is a person of morality, character, integrity, honesty, responsibility, spirituality, truth, ethics…Hey, is everybody getting the point here ? So many values, blink blink…Lets move on.

However, as a precautionary measure in the “interest of the people”, the Delhi High Court has ordered to seize the actor’s passport and quarantine him for a few days. Which means Indian cinema is likely to go back by at least thirty years to the days where only villains had the authority to have sex on screen and the idea of a hero was to sing songs at the heroine by maintaining a distance of at least 10 feet. As a direct consequence of this, over thirty four people were killed and thousands injured owing to severe mass protests and subsequent pelting of stones by Hashmi fans in northern Nigeria. Here, the readers must note that Nigeria has a vast market for Emraan’s films. The enormous success in the region is attibuted to Emraan's playback singer Himesh Reshmmiya whose blockbuster single “oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” is a major hit with the local tribes. They watch film after film for this beautifully composed masterpiece and you can even see them humming the tune on their hunting expeditions.

Back home, we must admit a kind of gloom has crept up all over and a sense of trepidation about the future has suddenly been magnified. Survivalists have been stocking up on masala papads and batata vadas hoping to stay alive until the next Valentine’s Day. Karan Singhania, a renowned industrialist cannot serve chicken at the party he is throwing to celebrate his son’s return from boarding school for the summer holidays. The industrialist who recently became the world’s biggest producer of quality toilet paper is dejected and hopes to make up by serving venison and has hired master nimrod Salman Khan to do the hunting job for him. Salman is reported to have been paid a whopping five lakh rupees and a years supply of Singhania toilet paper as advance, an amount which none of his films has grossed over the last ten years. And for the first time in the last twenty three years, the author’s mother refused to serve him chicken for dinner yesterday  As a side note I’d like to mention that poultry farmers and restaurant owners seem to be concerned too.

As responsible sons (and daughters) of this soil, what can we software engineers do to curb this menace apart from forwarding this meaningless nonsense to other software engineers? Simple. Let’s wait for Microsoft to release a patch for the virus instead of simply 'chickening' out. Ha ha ha… (Sorry, bad joke)

To see or not to see? A Valentine's Day Feature

The good news first. I thought I'll be a little modest and put this at the end. But then I realized it is highly unlikely that you folks would survive through the whole post.This blog is now google ad-sense powered. Yes really ! You can see the ads on the top of the page. Some morons on google found this site suitable for conspiring against frustated blog-readers. Its pretty random stuff but mostly it is jeevansaathi.com. The fact that you are reading my blog explains it all.I won’t ask you guys to click them but nevertheless, I would like to inform you that I slept ( alone) without having my dinner yesterday. And those damn officials are refusing to renew my ration card.

Well now for the actual babble. You can actually ignore the heading. That’s just a cheap gimmick to sell myself. If there was anything to be said about valentines day,I would be the last person on this planet to do it. Not that I do not want to, but it is more of a dearth of experience to do it. I'm more into the consoling my brothers( and sisters ?) these days. Romance is in the air, fragrance of roses and musk is tickling in the nostrils of romeos and bohemian proposals seem to be the order of the day. Yet, most of "us" are wondering how to spend the day without hurting your egos. I shall now tell you five things which "we" hot shot dandys can engage in, which those "romantic" brummels cannot.

1. Digging cricket pitches : By far, the most popular gambit undertaken by crabbed psycopaths. It might not be all that romantic to do it with your date but when a pack of self proclaimed des-premi individuals get together, there is nothing more relaxing than digging a cricket pitch. And you get exclusive footage on T.V which you can record and show it to your grandchildren (If you are planning to have any).

2. Picking noses : Imagine yourselves going on a date with that lovely lady on whom you had a crush but she is going out with that $#%^&* $%^&#.(Its not hard to imagine, aint it?) Imagine the plight of that $%^&* #@$%^ which he suddenly feels that irresistable urge to scratch his back or pick his nose. Well you see, we have a winner right away. So scratch away that back(or whatever you want) for as long as you want to. Meanwhile, you can as well lick that dal stuck between your fingers without fearing any malignant side effects.

3. Sleep : You have the whole bed to yourself. What more can you ask for ?

4. Catch a flick : I hear commotion all around. When watching a film together is considered one of the most romantic acts in this digital era, why put it in my list ? Well, the flicks I'm talking about are different flicks. You just cannot watch them with your date. No, its simply not possible. I'm talking about the critically acclaimed and award winning films that were screened in Berlin Film Festivel. Seriously, what were you guys thinking ?

And finally

5. Blog : You can give me a run for my money by starting your own blog.But heres a deal. I read yours, you read mine. How romantic ! I've become so cheap now-a-days. But blogging is cheap, easy and good time pass during office hours. Baaki time, you can continue digging cricket pitches.

PS : As a side note, let me know if you are friendless and looking for a shoulder to rest on. 200 bucks per person that would be. And if you are the sole heir to a billion dollar industry, you get 100% discount. If you are a non male, apply with a photgraph and biodata for 'fellow'ships.

Tinak ‘thin’ thin’

“Pay for ten kgs and get five kgs free.” This is not ITC trying to capture the FMCG market by offering extra atta for the price of 10 kilos. (Though I wish it was.) In fact it is a complete antithesis of these kinds of expectations. It is VLCC coming forward in a bid to allure overstuffed butterballs who weigh atleast 15 kilograms (The figure being the outcome of the process of adding 10 and 5) and are in a constant endeavor to bridge the gap between the haves and the have-nots. The whole process of shedding weight is likely to earn them respect and recognition in society, a more positive attitude towards things, a zest for life and above all a gratifying orgasm. And going by the reports in the tabloids, VLCC seems to be doing ‘pretty’ well for itself and its customers.

Going by sheer experience, we all know the social stigma that is associated with being healthy (with due apologies to Obelix). Right from school days, nobody lets go of a chance to poke fun at the flabby ones in public. The sight of an overweight student by itself forms a reason enough, to plunge into a boisterous mirth. These guys don’t get invited to birthday parties, nobody wants admit them into their ultra-cool friends’ circle and they rarely get picked for the official sports contingent. When young Amit learnt that pretty Alisha dotes on slick, athletic sportsmen, he tried really hard to get selected into his school cricket team. After sweating away to glory, he was asked to be an umpire in an inter school game. Alisha, of course, wasn’t really impressed. I guess, Amit is now a chronic alcoholic who’ll eventually turn out to be a wife-beater.

And sometimes this leads to some serious repercussions from the victims. Girls resort to stuff like slicing away their wrists and banging their heads on the walls. This is done after dislodging all the stationary from the writing desk with one single sweep and then breaking the mirror with a paper weight followed by a one hour session of convulsive breakdown. Guys take to more serious stuff. Most of them become serial killers. And those who are too apprehensive of taking to serial killing, become blog writers.

This kind of social boycott keeps haunting them even in the later part of their lives. (Unless of course they know java and .NET really well.) Their long cherished dreams of becoming air hostesses, personal secretaries, bar dancers, actresses, HR and strategic growth personnel (I can see some of you nodding their heads in approval) remain largely unrealized if they aren’t slender enough. And those who are hired based on their skills alone, more often than not, become green with envy and sometimes jealousy when they see skinny confident colleagues - the cynosure of all eyes, beaming with energy with a halo around their heads. (I see all of you nodding their heads in approval).

Some, who are determined enough to ameliorate their wretched, deplorable bodies, head straight to professional body toning solutions. Success rarely beckons them. And in case it does, their folks, in an attempt to strike while the iron is hot, set up an arranged marriage before things get out of hand. Poor things. Its like staring at all the delicious cakes that are stocked at the bakers and being unable to buy any. The cynics on the other hand, sit at their desks and continue blogging.

History tells us that all the great emperors, warriors and knights were heavily built (meaning woh log mote the).And it is often said that we should take lessons from history. But I’m yet to find a youngster who wants to be like Akbar or Sher Shah Suri. People instead want to emulate cheapsters like Salman Khan and John Abraham. You’ll find most of them in gyms, spas, parks - jogging, running, jumping, skipping, screaming and banging in a never-ending pursuit of looking just a little bit thinner. Give up oily food and peanut butter sauce to fill the artificially created void right in the middle of their hearts. No wonder VLCC is a successful enterprise.

Huh, enough of glorifying thin, thinner and thinnest. Its time we healthy people take the reins and start framing the rules of the game. I’m not really sure of what exactly needs to be done but I guess you can figure that out (Note that a 'fast unto death' is not so much a valid solution here). I envision a perfect utopia in which, all of us keep hogging on double cheese burgers, spicy chicken biryani, alu paranthas and laddoos without really worrying about silly things like whether any father in his sane mind will offer his daughter’s hand in marriage or not.So please work for it.