An interview with the vampire (A)

Vampires have been in existence for a long time now. They are known to bite the victims neck. And Emraan Hashmi does just that. Biting the victims neck. Known for having brought a new sense of equality, dignity, respect and honorificabilitudinity to women everywhere, Emraan has risen from an imbecile little thing to an insidious little cult figure. Ever since God invented porn, the crackerboy has known no bounds. Gone are the days when children used to stare with their mouths wide open when they went past a Lingerie store. Inspite of widespread depression from volatile stock markets, oddly enough, people still find money to invest and later watch Hashmi's films. And being numbnuts of the utmost kind, we, as always, are eager to find out what this self proclaimed nincompoop is upto. Here is an excerpt from an interview with the man himself.


Interviewer: How are you dealing with the success ?

Emraan: (laughs) You are embarrassing me. Mujhe sharam aa rahee hai.

I: Very well. Now with the increasing number of films in your kitty, you must be feeling burnt out. How do you cope up with the stress ?

E: The only way to relieve yourself of stress is to enjoy whatever you do. In my case, I don’t have any other choice. I enjoy every moment of my work.

I: You have literally become synonymous with kissing on screen. Arent you ashamed of doing that ?

E: Its not personal, its business.

I: Hmmm, you are known to share a good rapport with women. Could you please give some tips to some of our readers out here.

E: Yeah, the trick is to wear clean underwear and carry a toothbrush in your pocket. That makes you fully equipped and you are always ready for action.

I: Great. Guys, note that point. How do you plan to move forward from here ?

E: dekhiye, main abhi seek rahaa hoon and like a good student, I try to improve my technique with every movie that comes in. Actually, I still havnt found what I'm really looking for.

I: What are you looking for ???? Jimmy, the dog ?

E: No... Mallika the bitch (Laughs)….Well, ahem ….let me not answer that question at this point.

I: What is your opinion about the Fanaah controversy ?

E: Fanaah is a bakwaas film. Not a single love making scene, no naked women and no Reshammiya. I don’t understand what the fuss is all about.

I: But the sublime portrayal of a terrorist's life, I think that was well woven.

E: Yeah I understand that. But terrorists do have a sex life. The script missed out on that point.

I: OK. Lets move forward. There is a buzz in the industry that your films owe their success to the music rather than the script and the performances. What do you have to say about that ?

E: Crap. You ask Reshammiya to kiss on screen and lets see how the film does.

I: My gawd! no. I'll come down the roof head first before I see something like that.Anyway, did you ever consider going for a different genre ?

E: Yes. I would love to do a film on Bhagat Singh if a good script comes my way.

I: I'm sorry. You want to be Bhagat Singh !!!!

E: Yes, why not? His life kinda reflects my life. He liberated men. I'm liberating women.

I: Oh, ok. I didn’t see that really. Lets now talk about your personal life. What do you usually like to do in your spare time ?

E: I collect stamps and coins.

I: Very interesting indeed. Really interesting. Now that it has become a fad, do you do any social service ?

E: Yes, I have started a foundation where we distribute clothes to deprived women.

I: Oh, that so thoughtful of you.

I: One last question. Emraan, will you ever act in a dirty film?

E: No

I: Thank God. Anyway, lets see what some of our celebrities have to say about you.

Navjot Singh Sidhu - Oye, bas kar yaaaaaar, bas kar.

Socrates : All men are horny. Emraan is a man. Therefore Emraan is horny.

Rick Blaine : We all try. Emraan succeeds.

Charles Darwin - See, I told you.

Morpheus : Emraan, I have spent my entire life looking for you. Look, I have pills for you. Red, blue, green, orange, purple. And I have the white pill too.

Salman Rushdie : The young man is basking pleasurably in these conflicting and harmonious mirages, drifting slowly up towards consciousness, which would banish both and substitute a third illusion : the present.


E: What was that Rushdie thing again….

I: Leave it…