Matrimonial

Its raining celebrations everywhere. Human race has never been more excited about conjugal bliss than it is today. Love is in the air and its players are delighted more than ever to "cordially request the pleasure of our company to grace the super auspicious occasion as they take a step forward into the new journey that is filled with amazing moments, immense fun, tremendous happiness and other such amplitude modifiers + mushy adjectives". And best compliments continue to pour from Shantaben and sons, USA and Kishan Patel (BA First Class ) and daughters.

At a time like this , I cannot be left behind to continue living my life without any meaning, balance and direction whatever they mean. I realized that penning a matrimonial could be the answer to my misery. So ladies and gentlemen , without any further ado, I'll let my ego take-over.

Before getting started, let me throw some light on an essential pre-filter. Skin colour. No matter what South Indian film writers say, skin color does form a key parameter in decision making process and we all know it. MJ knew it. Pure blooded north Indians know it better. Maslow himself has admitted that people with darker skin have no place in his hierarchy of needs and that they eventually go on to become thieves. Let me assure you that all is fine on this aspect. Puritans may see a microscopic cross sectional view above. I can work on the shade if need arises so please dont just dismiss if you are not happy with what is presented.

Moving on to the more important traits, the first thing that comes to my mind are the frequent convulsions that engulf me . Long bouts of shaking chills along with shortness of breath is a common condition. This is nothing but Fear of God. God terrifies me and occasionally I can be seen hiding under my desk to escape His wrath. The story dates back to one of my earlier incarnations where I casually walked in whistling a tune when He was deep in meditation. He opened half his left eye as Gods in those days usually did and said unto me – “abe o, baahar jaake khel. zyaada aawaz ki to tang tod doonga ”. The rest is history.

When It comes to sound moral values , the standards are exceptionally high. I took up trekking as a hobby mainly to serve this purpose. I keep going into mountains especially when there is an exceptionally bright light shining and I often come back with stone tablets carved with up to date commandments dictated by – you guessed it right – God. I have a massive collection of tablets in my warehouse and my favourite is ofcourse the famous – “thou shalt not mix your drinks no matter who is paying.”

My sensitive nature has no bounds. I can be seen carressing little birds, healing them and setting them free in the sky. I help old women and little children cross busy streets by holding their hands. When riots take place, I politely ask people to leave their houses before setting the place on fire. I’m pure transcendental love.

Despite all these qualities, I’m basically a simple and down to earth human being . My feet are firmly grounded and when my folks chain me to a pole , they are only enhancing the validity of my point. A simple man, I don’t try to complicate life by contemplating about such things as wine tasting, freemasonry, existentialism and The Realms of Being, oh no Sir. I’d rather go for tilling the soil, growing rice and corn, feeding my family and selling the left over produce to buy wheat and sugar. And eventually marry my children off in a nice , God fearing, respectable family.

That’s pretty much what I have to say of myself. There are quite a few little things which i havnt touched upon here 'cause I think they'd rather be seen and felt than described. (Like for example my lungi and T-shirt attire demonstrates my traditional yet modern nature and the flask of whiskey tucked into my lungi talks highly of my liberal mindset ). So if you are a girl and loosely resemble Katrina Kaif (in form not in spirit), then please send me mail. Also state which part of Katrina you bear resemblance to.

Genius in the House

Tokyo, which is one of the most cosmopolitan cities in central Japan has surprisingly few Indians. So one does not expect its people to be familiar with anything remotely Indian. However, due to the superior intellect of its local population, people here figure out my nationality within five to six hours of our initial conversation despite my not so obvious physical features (if normal people look at me, they think I’m of elvish descent. )

‘’You are from Indiaaaa!! “ They exclaim. “I love India. I love tandoori chicken and Gandhi. And Bollywood. I’ve always wanted to go to India”

Thanks to The Mahatma, India has truly been propelled onto the world stage. The man single handedly inspired a whole generation of youngsters to sport the ripped six pack abs. If there was no Gandhi , there would have been no dard-e-disco. And we wouldnt have had the phrase "I'm no Gandhi dude, if you slap me on my face, I'll kick you in your balls"

And Bollywood.

“We love Bollywood” proclaim my cosmopolitan friends from Pakistan, Srilanka and The Philippines “Who is that famous actor from your country ? We love his song sequences”

“Govinda ?”

“Yes yes, that’s the one. Govinda. What acting he has done in Zulm ki Hukumat yaar, simply superb”

Its truly heart warming to see people from far off places expressing familiarity with your mother land. And some great personalities have helped us accomplish this. Be it Govinda or Ace Tennis player Sania Mirza’s former fiance or the guy who played the third brother in Yaadon ki Baarat (the second was the famous Vijay Arora), the list of cultural ambassadors from India is growing by the day. However, amidst this whole hullaballoo of glamour and politics, it is easy to overlook the true representatives, the real geniuses - the Scientists, Engineers and the Salespeople of our country. One such man is Tathagat Avatar Tulsi. The Times of India carried a brief story on him recently (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/City/Mumbai/I-was-programmed-to-be-a-genius/articleshow/6189283.cms )

Tathagat Avatar Tulsi was born after kathor tapasya (extensive meditation) and well planned sex. As an unborn child, Tathagat overheard his father talking about the Schrodingers equation with his wife from the womb. This kind of practice is common in India. When father Tulsi was about to explain the relativistic corrections, he realized surprisingly that his wife was fast asleep and stopped expounding on the equation further. As a result, baby Tulsi was left at a hairs distance from understanding the equation and achieving instant martyrdom.

Growing up is never easy for child prodigies. Jealousy is common place and the less gifted always try to pull you down. I was always jealous of the fellow in school who could curl his tongue in a W shape and touch the tip of his nose or the dude at the back who could approach a girl and talk to her for more than 10 seconds without stumbling. If tongue curlers and ear movers could generate so much jealousy and hatred in a fellow human being, I wonder what the kids at the kindergarten felt like when they spotted their classmate reading the Brief History of Time while they were still stuck with D for Djibouti and K for Knom Penh. If it were me, I would have done what “we people” like to do best - Blown myself to smithereens. Shudder.

As the article mentions, Tathagat according to a hindu dictionary of names means a child with a quick mind and an ability to accomplish a great deal in a short period of time. Given the way he is going, it seems like the man has a massive shortage of time. The guy is so fast , it makes nuclear fission look like nuclear fusion (ha ha ha) If he keeps exhausting all known science to humans and solves all unanswered problems, I wonder what he’ll be left with to accomplish by the time he is 25 ? Maybe he should get involved with Balika Vadhu, that’s a good time killer.

No matter what the critics say, I think this man has raised the bar for all us and set a great example for the current generation – a true global ambassador. We shall all conceive programmed genius male children in the future.

Kahaan hain ?

Yeh masnui chiraag ko ab bujhaa do
woh noor-e-nujoom woh anwar-e-ilaahi kahaan hain
Yeh sarv khad imaaraton ko pabajaula rakho
Woh ku-e-yaar woh ahl-e-ishq kahaan hain
Yeh kaar guzaari me kyaa rakhaa hain
Woh khaak bhar sar woh chaak-e-daaman kahaan hain
Yeh aashiqon ke andaaz pe karta hoon tanah
Woh lahu-e-jigar woh jurm-e-mohabbat kahaan hain
Yeh maikhaane me jaam ki hain na kami lekin
Woh mast-e-khumaar woh jasbah-e-junoon kahaan hain
Yeh rakht-e-safar ka dumsaaz mere siwa kaun hain
Woh ahl-e-wafa woh aatish-e-khwaar kahaan hain..

Genesis

Disclaimer: All characters in this story are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to a person LIVING or dead is purely coincidental. The material has been inspired by several works of fiction.

In the beginning, much before the existence of the cross currency basis swap, after He created heaven and earth, the seas, the fire and the mountains, God created the chicken, the cow and the pig (also known as The Barbeque Trinity. Humans would much later create the holy trinity consisting of Snoop Dogg, Eminem and 50 cent to exert their supremacy on the world in what is known as one of the greatest con jobs of all time) . And then God created man in his own image and named him “Julian Ulmer” and placed him in the garden of Eden. And the lord God said to the man, “Of every tree of the garden, thou mayest freely eat. But the tree of knowledge and wisdom thou shalt not touch. Yadda yadda yadda“

Anyway, Julian enjoyed himself for a while running naked in the garden. He was enthralled by his Master who created the trees , the flowers, the sparkle of dew on bushes, the rainbow , marijuana and plenty other things ALL IN 6 DAYS.( To understand and appreciate the enormity of this feat, one should note that mankind came up with the basic latex condom only in 1920, a full 2000 years after queen Cleaoptra was railed by more than 60000 men during her lifetime )
But one day Julian became lonely and desperate. “God” he said “I feel wretched. I need a companion” .

“A companion ? Big fucking deal “ said God “You got it”

And so God created a companion for him. “Do you know who this is ?” asked God.

“let me guess” said Julian. “You made another beast? A cougarrrr !!! ”

“No fuckface” said God. “This is the worlds first woman. I’ll call her Hitomi Yasuoka. Sounds japanese but who the fuck cares at this point in time. Now I am going to leave you two alone and I want you to do what comes naturally”

The following morning God said to julian. “Yo, so what happened last night ?”

“Well, what do you expect when a naked man and a naked chick are left by themselves”

“You mean…?"

“Yup, we climbed on top of a tree and counted stars. We plucked the finest fruit and drank from the stream”

“And ?”

"And we lay on the grass and watched the sun rise. Together”

“Dude man…well, let me give you a hint. Man needs love and devotion. He needs something to exert himself every waking hour. Something to worth living for. You cannot just dick around climbing trees and plucking fruit. Give me a break, BE A MAN”

So Julian went back to Hitomi and began the first of a series of human experiments. What is it that could lead to gratification and ecstasy. What is it that could be done every waking hour? He began by staring at her in the eyes for a considerable period of time. Although it didn’t lead to any gratification as such, this gesture went on to become the inspiration for “Looking in the eyes of love” , a B rated adult flick made years later,where a teacher takes a student as her illegal underaged lover after they – you guessed it right – stare at each other in the eyes for a considerable period of time.

They went back and tried several other things but nothing seemed to generate the ultimate spiritual experience. Chopping wood together , swinging off a banyan tree, chasing rabbits didn’t seem to help the cause. Until one fine day the lad was sitting under a banana tree when a fruit fell on his head and onto the wet slushy ground below. And suddenly it all became clear to him. There shone on his face the serenity of knowledge, of one who has found salvation and one who is in complete harmony with the events surrounding him.

He went back and practice the newly discovered act at every opportunity. And thus began “The Great Julian Onslaught’ which is discussed in several private circles and freemason lodges even to this date. On top of volcanoes, by the side of the river, in the meadow, behind the bushes, in the valley day in and day out until it became tedious as chippies.

Meanwhile, a serpent came in and said unto the woman. “why havnteth thou eaten the fruit of the tree in the midst of the garden ? Yadda yadda yadda” The woman could take the archaic english no more and yielded in to the serpents repeated pestering. She took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her boy friend with her; and he did eat.

This ofcourse enraged the lord God and he went red with anger. He summoned both of them and said unto them “ I’m mighty pissed with your behaviour. And because I’m lord God, I shall have to inflict punishment upon you. “

And thus the lord created suffering, men with brown skin, cholera, William Shakespeare and Pussycat dolls.

The Song Remains the Same

It is often said that enlightenment can be reached through asceticism and a complete rejection of the body and physical desires. Once upon a time I aspired for such greatness. To dress myself in rags, take the barest sustenance necessary to preserve life, adopt the starved and beaten appearance, awaken my innermost soul and bring this GODDDAAMMN chain of karma and rebirth to a FCKIN end.

Then I heard a voice and an icy chill stole over me - “Teri maa ne barson rotiyaan bel bel ke tujhe padaya, likhaya, bada kiya (your mom has spent years kneading bread and raised you) " with blurry images of a frail woman at a distance "and this is how you pay back? Son, there is more to life than chasing bees and chewing on rocks. You are missing out on the Korean barbecue. And also Japanese p----”

I became a banker instead.

Now, it is a common misconception that bankers are conceited, mean people who rob millions of their daily bread. That they are greedy, incompetent, reckless, white collar, criminal executive scumbags - “gareebon ka khoon choos chooske khud ke liye Rolex ki ghadi aur Rayban ka chashma khareedne waale” type. No Sir.

They are instead peaceful people (smiling gently inwardly). One can recognize a banker by his complete peacefulness of demeanor, the stillness of his form and the sparkle in his eyes Speaking soft, considerate words with the voice carried to the listeners like a dandelion parachute ball floating in gentle breeze. They do not boast about their cleverness and wisdom, act with surprising humility and credit all knowledge they have to the Greek Masters and JK Rowling (of the Harry Potter fame). Men who have truly conquered the self. They deserve to walk on water one day and I’m sure they will.

In addition, they are a breed who conduct themselves with utmost sophistication in front of fellow human beings. They are the gallant knights who treat ladies with honor, respect and devotion. They take the girl in their arms, gently hold her closer, whisper softly in her ear, kiss her tenderly and then in a fit of extreme passion bash a random guy in the bar. (They could go out and slay a dragon but dragons are hard to find these days)

And once I joined the herd, life turned a full 570 degrees. I was asked to read up on Itos lemma. And Harry Potter. “Sajid my lad” said my mentor rushing down a mountain with a few stone tablets in his hand “you are pursuing a noble profession. This is the most wonderful, most exciting and most gratifying thing you can do -after Sex and a game of Chinese chequers over a joint”

Finer things are expected of me now. Posting weird photos with corny captions on face book is a strict no-no. Standing on the 43rd floor overlooking the Tokyo skyline and discussing such interesting topics as the devaluation of the Yuan ,the yield/risk ratio of a BBB- rated collateralized mortgage backed securities is a yes yes. Lady gaga, 50 cent and snoop D-O double G is no no. Tchaikovsky’s 5th symphony, 4th movement in F major – fully acceptable. Nose picking is …. I think you got the point.

And then there is the kandhon pe boj (responsibility on my shoulders). India is aiming for 10% growth rate for the next 20 years. Or is it 20% for the next 10 years? Well, whatever. If we don’t meet that goal, you are going to hold me responsible, no? Like they did to Uncle Greenspan. “Sajid ne apna kaam theek se nahi kiya to yeh naubat aagayi” you'll say.

So folks, I shall now go and pump some iron. You guys go contribute to the world GDP. Peace, love and empathy.

Its my turn ...

He may look like your typical next door uncle (Remember the guy who refused to return your rubber ball after you smashed his window by hitting a six) but he is not. He can rout out villains and conquer the forces of evil and more importantly - gravity. He doesn’t care a damn if g (gravitational constant) is 9.8 or 8.9. It simply doesn’t apply to him. His super natural skills come to him very naturally. Dogs give birth to puppies when the guy stares at them (I don’t know how he does it but his eyes emanate some kind of weird electromagnetic rays. But please don’t try this at home). He never goes anywhere without his mace, brass knuckles, iron rod, hockey stick, cycle chain, spade, sickles and assorted ancient weapons. These are part of standard community distributions along with free condoms in his locality. They say that some girls fall on the road side and propose to him on sight. They feel he has a bitchy bod and a sexy walk. His Herculean power came into light when he once scratched his back for fourteen hours at a stretch. Men and women - they want him. And they want him badly. You may know him as the naughty thunderbolt (Translate that into telugu). And the man goes by the name 'Nandamuri Balakrishna'. Yes, none other than Balakrishna or fondly (?) called by some as Balayya. In the next few lines, I shall be offering some constructive criticism on this fella. I don’t believe in targeting someone blatantly without offering sufficient reasoning. Non gulties might not be able to fully appreciate what I'm saying here 'cause you guys haven’t actually seen him-and heard him. If you want me to describe him in one line then heres something - If Rakhee Sawant undergoes a sex transformation surgery, you'll get something very close to Balakrishna. (By the way, what do you call a male bitch?)

Let’s start with his dialogue delivery- An untrained ear might find it extremely difficult to appreciate the subtle differences between his comedy scenes and say, his tragic scenes - unless there is some form of musical accompaniment. And one dialogue that never ceases to amaze the gem of his writers - "Hey, I'm a man. At least that’s how I feel. I have the strongest thigh muscles in the whole of AP. Is everybody getting the point here?" And every once in a while some guy keeps reminding him that as a man, he has certain duties to fulfill- one of them being punching his own thigh with one tight slap. It amazes me -This whole "hitting the thigh" business. Anyway, the dance sequences characterized by his hip swinging moves, orgasmic expressions, and mouth wide open agonizing over the prospects of having to make love are at max intriguing. It looks as if someone is trying to poke him with tiny needles. And the lyrics that accompany them. Sample this. - "You are my maggi noodles and I'm your Sambhar rasam. You think I'm hungry and I think you are thirsty. Chorus: We are made for each other. “(Smooth?). Coming to think of his action sequences, the guy will put the Wachowski brothers to shame with his bullet dodging techniques. He can make the car go into a spin while maintaining a linear speed of 100 mph. He can make your teeth fall off by hitting you on the crotch.(Again, kids shouldn’t be trying this at home) You just have to see him to believe him.

Whatz this stocky, pudgy, somnolent, geriatric dipwad still doing in films, you ask. I-don’t-the-know. I just don’t the know. C’mon, there are a million other professions he could have chosen. He could have been a hair dresser, a shoe maker and with a little bit of effort, a financial analyst. (Balki in and as 'Warren Reddy' - “Doubling up every day"). Had I been equipped with similar skills , I would have become a proctologist. Where do these clinically depressed morons get the urge to drag themselves to the theater to watch something so idiotic? And adding fuel to fire, some of the pretty lasses who are made to grind seductively against this idiot claim in TV interviews that he is one of the most wonderful guys they have ever worked with. I can’t even think of trying to imagine what the others are like. Perhaps its not so much a question of urge than it is a matter of taste. And If it’s actually taste, then I think we need an armed revolution in gult land. If I were the government I would use all the nuclear power at my disposal to prevent people from watching his films. They can instead write some java code in that time.

I actually wanted to do a contrasting study of Nietzsche’s theory of Eternal Recurrence and Kant's theory of categorical imperative in this post. But then my friend Ravi suggested that 'Balakrishna' would be a better topic to write about. We'll discuss Nietzsche next time around. Until then, peace, love and empathy.

Guest Post - 1

This is by the guy who insists on not keeping his elbows on the table.Plain lies he has written.People are hell bent on making me unpopular.

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Its a pleasure to snitch about someone in their own blog. I am happy IL CATTIVo aka Jupitor Jones(more about this later)has given me this opportunity(without realizing the consequences). There is a definite advantage in writing about your buddy from your school days.. you can narrate the 'Then, Now and Inbetween' stories.

Then:
A long time ago, IL CATTIVO joined Little Flower High school(Chhota Phool-badaa school). Frankly, he didnt make much of an impression with his Sandy Cheeks smile and teeth(from Spongebob Squarepants cartoon). Ofcourse, there was something we had in common .. both of us used to read Nancy Drew. I gave up. Not sure about IL CATTIVO. We also read famous 5,hardy boys and any other book that we could lay our hands on.In those days of mystery and intrigue, we, meaning IL CATTIVO, came up with a secret code language. Numbers and symbols to represent alphabets. We felt pretty cool about it too. And our signing names were Tom Cruise(TC) and Jupitor Jones(JJ). Ofcourse, We both knew IL CATTIVO couldnt carry something like Tom Cruiseso he ended up becoming Jupitor Jones.

Later in life, around seventh grade or so, a teacher came in and said that the seventh grade scores are what will decide our careers. Apparently, wherever we went people would look at our seventh grade marks and then give us jobs. we were supposed to get good scores or be at the bottom of the food chain for ever. I am still looking in the classifieds for such a requirement.Anyway, turns out the blog owner was good at acedemics and I .. well I wanted to be good at it. So, IL CATTIVO and yours truly went into super preparation mode. We came early to school to give each other question papers which we prepared. Lunch hour's too went to these exams. Of course, the enthusiasm fizzled out slowly and we went back to playing football with a cricket ball in the basketball court(really, its true). I somehow remember Shash being the goal keeper most of the time. End of the year, turns out IL CATTIVO was once again among the top rankers. I chose to reveal my brillance at a later stage in life. I plan to keep blogging till that stage comes.

IL CATTIVO wasnt happy that he wasnt getting any respect in Hyderabad and so he went off to Madras. I didnt have any such problem. It didnt bother me. In the next four years whenever IL CATTIVO called up and wanted to meet, it was in Persis(This place serves one of the best biryani's in town).Around my engineering final year, I went to Madras with my dad for my US visa appointment. IL CATTIVo booked the hotel and was ready to pick us up in the station. I was pretty impressed in the way he spoke in tamil to the auto driver too.So he did learn something in these four years in Madras. Of course I didnt get to go around a lot since I was too concerned with an other small matter..I didnt have an appointment at the counsulate. Thats too long a story for this blog. Bottom line, I managed to get in and get the visa. Didnt stay too long after that in Madras but I think we did eat biryani.

Now:
Last year, I met IL CATTIVO, 20 pounds heavier but the same Sandy Cheeks looks. He still boasts about imaginary girls he knows(all two of them!) and wonders what I do with my hands under the table. Things didnt change much. Jupitor Jones - you need to get a girl.

Inbetween:
Nothing much to say. IL CATTIVO spent time in between then and now thinking how much of stamp collection,empty cigarette box collection and salsa classes he would have made if he didnt meet me.

-Revanth Reddy

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Henceforth this guy will post regularly on this blog. And more people will be jumping in to share this space with me.Peace, love and empathy.